Suddenly I am interested in the news again, and my most successful prank call

Just the other day I was saying I was trying to take a break from following the news because it is all so depressing and infuriating, and I have ‘coronavirus fatigue’ as some media outlet put it. But somehow my eyes and ears have perked back up, and I’m back to the beginning stages of the pandemic where I was like ‘oh man, this is fascinating!’

This is of course because in the last three days one of Trump’s valets and Katie Miller, Pence’s press secretary have tested positive for covid. THE KILLER IS IN THE HOUSE! FIRE IN THE HOLE!

I normally try not to wish harm on other people or root for their demise, but in this case, fuck yeah. Bring it. Do I take delight in the fact that Stephen Miller almost definitely has or will have the virus? Yes. A thousand times yes. Stephen Miller is a rare breed of evil. At first I kinda felt empathy for his wife, but then I came to my senses and realized that if she actually married that guy she must be a fucking horrible train wreck of a person as well. Do I hope that Donald Trump gets it? Oh, fuckin’ A, you bet your sweet ass I do!!!!! God, I WISH!!!!! For the first time in weeks, I am actually looking forward to waking up tomorrow just so that I can check the news and see who the lucky new recipient in the White House is. If we must have a reality show presidency, the writers have really outdone themselves with a fucking fantastic plot twist now! The guy who refuses to wear a mask because it won’t look good and is rushing the country into reopening to boost the economy for his election prospects even though it will mean many unnecessary lives lost, and doesn’t seem to think testing for us normal folk is a big deal while currently trying to make healthcare less accessible as well as food stamps ( I mean, among so many other things )… has a good shot at getting this? YES!

I doubt he will actually get it, since they TESTED his valet and discovered the positive which kicked off daily TESTS for those surrounding him and discovered the Katie Miller positive. They can probably shut it down for the most part. It’s nice that he has that luxury. But, man, I bet he will be spending some sleepless nights. And one can dream, there is a good chance the Rona made it’s rounds. I just sincerely hope none of the geriatric veterans he met with today fall ill. It seems outrageously irresponsible that that even happened at all, given these developments.

I ‘m guessing if more people at the White House test positive the word will be mum on that front for as long as can be covered up however. Doesn’t look good, just like masks. But man, if the whole White House got infected, IT WOULD BE SO GREAT FOR RATINGS!!!!!!!! Please let it happen! Let’s see you open the country now, bitch!

These weeks have been depressing. We need something to feel inspired about.

But anyway, rant over. It would be too good to be true for he and all of his enablers to go down in a catastrophic hoax.

Continuing the theme of prank calls, this is the one I am most proud of:

After Keith Turner moved away, I used to call payphones around town just to see who would answer. But the results were sporadic and not usually that great. It was demoralizing. But then I realized, ‘well, shit, I live in a college town with a bunch of fraternities, so I’ll just call up frat houses!’

In all honesty, the frat guys were super boring. I kind of felt like I was just going through the motions calling them after the more than year long Keith Turner saga that was in retrospect completely insane but fun. But if you called a frat house while being female, you were guaranteed some semblance of a conversation. Although, I somehow kind of resented them.

By this time, I was around 15. I was hanging out a lot with my friend Judi, who had a younger brother by two years, so he was 13. Right at that prime age where teens were discovering ‘slow dancing’ and welcomed opportunities to test out if their crush felt the same in that type of environment.

So, on this day, it was Judi’s brothers birthday. Judi’s mom ran a daycare out of her home, and had built an addition on to the house, kind of like one might add a solarium or whatever, but in this case it was just a big sunny room to hold the daycare in. The room had a wide open floor with very little furniture – just walls with shelves of toys and learning materials, etc. So it was the perfect place for Judi’s brother to hold a ‘dance’ for his birthday.

Judi and I , of course, were FAR too cool to have anything to do with this. I was spending the night at her house that night, but we did not want to be around a bunch of uncool 13 year olds slow dancing, probably to Phil Collins. So we went to her friends house who lived a couple of miles away.

Her friend, Isaac, had another friend over, and they were fixing up their bikes. They were heavy into the mechanics of it and had no interest in entertaining us. So I said to Judi, “Wanna call a frat house?” She agreed. If one thing was certain, all these guys liked to talk about was the parties they went to or had. And since we never were at the parties, well, – boring. We decided that it would be hilarious to get their lazy asses up off the couch and send them to a party that we could hear about later. We were trying to think of who we knew that might be fun to send them to their house when Judi came up with the most brilliant plan in the world. “Oh my god, let’s tell them to go to MY HOUSE!!!” Where her 13 year old brother was holding the dance party. I couldn’t believe she was willing to sacrifice a potential major lecture from her mom if found out, but it was too good to not try.

We called up the frat and asked the guy who answered what he was up to. Sounded like a boring night of not much….. Oh, what were WE doing, you ask? We were going to the god damn social event of the year! We were dressing up in our sluttiest clothes getting ready to pound some beers from that free keg that would be at the party!

This definitely caught the guys interest, and he hollered for his boys. After giving them Judi’s address and assuring them that this was going to be an alcohol fueled sex frenzy, the frat guys suddenly got super motivated and said they would be over in 15 minutes or so.

I don’t think I have ever ridden a bike so fast in my life (except for when that menacing dog chased me on Sauvies Island). It was a race against time. Judi and I had a couple of miles by bike, those guys were approximately same distance by car. But we were driven the need to see this unfold.

I shit you not, at the EXACT MOMENT we rolled in with our bikes, a van pulled up. About six guys unloaded and looked at the house as Judi and I stood there. You could kind of hear the music. Then they just walked in. No knocking, no doorbell, just threw open the door and strutted in. Judi and I were dying, but we followed. Judi’s mom was sitting on the couch in her living room with her boyfriend and another couple, presumably parents. She looked at the frat guys and said “can I help you?” and they responded “Uhh…is there a party here?” and she said “yes, it’s in there, are you parents?” and pointed to the room the 13 year olds were slow dancing in. Everyone was confused, except for Judi and I, who were practically peeing ourselves. The guys ducked in to the ‘party’ for about five seconds and abruptly left without saying anything.

And that is it. It’s not that funny, but if you were there it really was. Especially because the frat guys saw Judi and I doubled over in laughter and knew at that moment that we were behind it. Some jackass collected all of his friends to go to a kegger and it was two fifteen year olds luring them to the lamest party ever.

I can’t believe Judi’s mom didn’t even really mention it afterward. We never got in trouble for that.

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