I think this is week six of staying at home. For the most, part I have pretty much felt like this is everything I’ve been trained for – I live alone for a reason, which is because most people drive me insane, I hate waking up and having a schedule, I’m not overly social, I am a food hoarder and a hand washer naturally, etc.
But this week I think is my downslide. My days and nights have gotten mixed around, I have been drinking too much, and I have finally hit the plateau on the news I want to read. I am so fucking horrified by what this country is now that I can’t stand it. I did a sober night last night, and was going to attempt to get my schedule back on track. I had slept all day on Sunday, so I tried to just keep sleeping through until Monday. But I found after I had exhausted my sleeping hours (ooohhh!!! I spoke Spanish in my dream!!! the duolingo is working!) that I just ended up worrying for hours in the middle of the night waiting until morning. … Stuff like, what if I’m fired tomorrow? Where will I work at my age? What if we have to wear these fucking masks forever? If we re-enter society, I don’t want to ride the subway unless I have antibodies. Should I move? Will New York turn into some weird apocalyptic warzone? Where the hell would I go? I have dual citizenship, I could go to Canada, but then what? … and on and on. And here we are now at 10 a.m. Tuesday morning and I never really slept.
I have figured out that drinking beer is the right choice for my sanity at this time. Even though after my sober jaunt I got a lot done yesterday. I went on a shopping trip, I cleaned my apartment, did laundry, and cooked two delicious meals. Monday wasn’t even a work for ‘that’ boss day, I should be working for the guy luxuriating in the Hamptons on Monday, but I checked in just to let him know I still care deeply about my job and spent a really annoying conference call with him and Spectrum over our internet, which was this bullshit situation which wasn’t my fault but he was pissed about in general. But now here I am on Tuesday and I’m like ‘ hmm….I am going to HAVE to sleep soon. This is just like old times – I will manufacture some excuse to not work EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT AT WORK!’. I am not even going to tell you the excuse I have decided upon to not answer my phone. Believe me, I have given every excuse known to man to get out of work, and at this point it’s almost like this stupid joke, but somehow we all play along, and ten years later I still miraculously have a job there.
I do really want to keep my job though. I think whats going on here is that I am fully embracing the new catch phrase “It’s okay not to be okay”.
I’m back to having convinced myself that I’ve already had the virus. I did have some symptoms in late February but didn’t think much of them except maybe jokingly. Everyone I talk to, from whatever city they are from thinks similarly about themselves, and so I had decided that was crazy because not EVERYBODY that had a cold in February had covid, and more people would have been dying right then, plus my immediate friends would have caught it. But this WAS right at the the very beginning, the day or two before we started working from home. And my coworker got the virus a week and a half into the home stay. I can’t help but think that if anyone were to get it, I would be a great candidate – I take the subway to and from work. I work directly next to the stock exchange and a few blocks from the World Trade Center site where there are a million tourists swarming outside of my high traffic, elevator button pushing office everyday. My go to spot for lunch is McDonalds, and I am the office errand runner. I always wash my hands first thing when I get to work, and when I bring food in to my desk, but when I’m out running around for work I’m touching subway poles and envelopes and my favorite thing to eat on the fly is a hamburger. I generally carry wet wipes with me, but I can say without doubt I’ve just dove into the burger in these situations without care. So yeah, it would totally make sense that I’ve had it.
I hope so anyway. Because the thought of living in fear for a year or two in a city like this, so dependent on public transportation and close proximity is making me consider what the hell I want my life to look like going forward.
Oh, also, every time I go out to smoke I have noticed a large number of big black flies first on the neighboring building, but now on our house front. Ever since the awful squirrel debacle I have come to associate congregations of flies with death, so now I am wondering if there is some neighbor dead of corona nearby. Or maybe just an animal. Maybe it’s the garden rats decomposing. I seriously have not seen a rat in our garden in over a month. It’s crazy. In a good way, that one!
Anyway, clearly I need to sleep. I’m sounding insane.
Still planning on getting around to that bitchin’ story about the bee pollen man, but it’s a long one and I just haven’t been motivated. The weird thing about that story too, is I consider it to be probably the most terrifying night of my life, and I’m not sure anyone else gets it. Probably because it’s too long. Anyway, I’ll let you be the judge in the next couple of days.
Stay safe everyone. Don’t go to protests, beaches, bowling allies, tattoo parlors, gyms, manicurists, or all of those other super specific personal space invading places that Florida an Georgia are completely okay with you going as their death rates climb!